Everybody Hates Toad
by xMetallicBooger
Summary: I love me some Toad, so I wrote some dumb stories about him.
1. So it Begins

**Tales from the Asylum**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, I just have too much free time.**

**This is a short little ficlet I came up with during school one day. The characters are probably slightly off, but this came from my own demented little mind, and not from Marvel. I don't have a title for it as of yet, but since I often do a series of short stories as chapters for a larger story, I named it "Tales from the Asylum" because if I get some good reviews for this one, I may add more later.**

**Enjoy. And don't forget to review.**

One lovely mid-summer's day, the Brotherhood and the X-Men were all hanging out together at the Xavier Asylum…Er…_Institute_, that is, because that is simply what they do when they're not all trying to kill each other. But they don't tell you about that in the comics, because if they did, sales would most probably drop dramatically.

Ah, yes. The sun was shining, the grass was green, and there was not a cloud in the sky. This was probably mostly Storm's doing, since all around the city there were horribly depressing rain showers and such. Apparently she has a thing for cliché settings. Silly Storm.

Despite what they would have you believe in the comics, Storm and Mystique actually got on rather well together. They walked about, chatting pleasantly. Storm showed Mystique her perfectly green and healthy plants, while Mystique shared funny little anecdotes about life with the Brotherhood.

But of course, life is not always so peaceful, and especially not at the Asylum—BLAST!—_Institute! INSTITUTE!_ I will get it right, I promise you.

Anywho, they soon heard a loud scuffling sort of noise coming from behind one of the doors. Storm usually would have dismissed it as Jean and another one of her crazy mass orgies, but something told her differently today.

She pushed the door open, and inside they found Toad and Nightcrawler, beating the ever-living piss out of one another. This might have been somewhat normal behaviour, except that today should have been semi-peaceful…or something, so they decided to put a stop to it.

"What is the meaning of this!" Mystique demanded.

Suddenly, the two lads stopped fighting and looked at the women standing in the doorway, one looking slightly confused, and the other looking absolutely furious, as Toad had been under strict orders not to go off on a random killing spree or anything. Haha. Silly Toad.

The green one looked thoughtful for a moment, then cocked his head to look at Kurt.

"Er…Why _were_ we doin' this again, mate?"

Nightcrawler also looked thoughtful. Then he got up, dusted himself off, and looked at Storm.

"Vell…You see, ve don't exactly remember," and he made sure to give her one of his cheesiest innocent grins.

And with that, he and Toad left the room to go eat pizza and chat like old friends.

**As you can see, I have a very odd since of humour. I hope you all liked it. Tell me if I should write more. I've got a million ideas.**

**Review, loves!**

**  
P.S. Upon reviewing this at a later date...I realize that I'm a total jerk. But whatever. Love me! Review my stories!  
**


	2. The Poster Incident

**The Poster Incident**

**Despite the INCREDIBLE lack of reviews from my last story, I still have an INSANE URGE to type up all this crap and publish it online. **

**Here we have a pointless little story about Toad and Wanda. Yeah, I'm a rabid Toad fan. Leave me alone.**

Blob sat on the sofa, next to a quickly diminishing pile of sandwiches that had presumably been quite large at one time. Now he was down to about four.

Toad watched his team mate absently, not really having anything better to do. Normally, this would have been quite harmless, but on this particular occasion, Toad was beginning to get ideas. Good ones, too. Or so they seemed at the time.

At any rate, he didn't waste much more time watching Blob stuff his face. Instead he quite literally hopped off to the nearest broadband internet connection and quickly found what he was looking for on e-Bay.

A week and his entire life savings of $52 and a few paperclips later, _it_ arrived.

What was _it_? Why, a life-sized poster of himself, of course. All hail the giant Toad poster. (By the way, if you guys ever find one of these in real life, my birthday is March 23rd. Hint-hint.)

He allowed himself an evil little chuckle, and ran off to find the Scarlet Witch. He soon discovered her in the sitting room, trying her hardest to look sexy-yet-unobtainable while reading a copy of _Crackwhore Weekly_.

"Wanda! Wanda-Wanda-Wanda-Wanda-WANDA!"

"What do _you_ want?"

"Eat this poster of me!"

"…What? …_Why?_"

"…So I can be inside you."

He was promptly hex-bolted through an open window.

_Ah well, seemed like a good idea at the time._

**You know you love Toad and his sad little obsession with the one woman on Earth who'll love anyone but him. Always chasing the dream train, he is. Gotta admire it.**

**Review, please. I'll give you candy.**


	3. The Blasphemy Continues

**The Blasphemy Continues**

**Hey, guys! Know what? I just found out yesterday that there's an 'Ultimate Marvel' section. Haha. Wow. Cool, huh? Well, no one ever goes there obviously, and there's not that many fics there, so why bother? **

**Anyway… I have THOUSANDS of horrible ideas for more fanfics… Or rather, _had_. See, I had them all written down. Then I did laundry. And they disintegrated, or something.**

**So you all got lucky. But I'll probably have more the next time my friends and I get drunk on bitch piss and play X-Men Legends all night. You have been warned.**

It was a rainy summer afternoon. Actually, to say it was rainy would be like saying smashing a board embedded with rusty nails into your forehead might hurt slightly. It was pissing down, as though the weather gods had had far too much tequila the night before. Actually, the real reason was probably that a particular Weather _Goddess_ was experiencing some hormonal problems, and the result was awful thunderstorms throughout the entire city. And _someone _had taken the last of the Midol. However, that someone was far too terrified to come forward. And who could blame her? Assuming it was a _her_, anyway.

Toad (Who else would I use? You should know by now my level of obsession) was sitting by a window at the Brotherhood of Evil's Lair of Evil and Stuff, fondly reminiscing over the time Wanda had had a bit too much eggnog and passed out on the sofa. Ah, that was a fine day. A fine day indeed.

He noticed Blob heading toward the door, and decided not to pass up an opportunity to be obnoxious.

"Where ya goin'?" he asked, hopping over to his teammate.

"Eh, out," he grunted. But this did not put Toad off. He decided to follow Blob, just because he had nothing better to do.

This did not seem to bother Blob, so they made their way through the city together. They weren't bothered by many civilians, since, as I said, it was raining really sodding hard.

Finally, Blob stopped at a McDonald's and went inside. Though he had been in the states for quite some time, Toad had never been to one of these monstrosities before, and he could somehow sense an aura of pure filth about the place.

So, apprehensively, Toad followed his companion inside. Though the city seemed relatively deserted, this place was an oasis of small children and old people. The smell combined with the stench of frying meat and stale coffee was enough to make even Toad slightly nauseous.

He followed Blob up to the service counter where a bored-looking teenager was standing. Judging by the state of his face and hair, one would think he'd been dipped in one of the many vats of grease that were no-doubt fizzling in the cockroach-infested kitchen at that very moment.

"Uh, um, uh, like…Can I help y'all or something?"

Blob ordered two of everything on the menu. Toad wondered how he intended to pay for this, but the total only came to $5.95 and his first-born child, so they waited for the food. It was brought out just as the greasy teen finished rattling off the order to whoever was unlucky enough to prepare the food. Evidently, the food had been festering somewhere, already pre-made. But that didn't matter to Blob. He walked back to one of the empty tables with his "food" and sat down.

Toad sat down in the chair opposite his cohort and tried not to look too disgusted.

"So, er…" he said conversationally, "This is what you filthy Americans do in your spare time, eh?"

Blob looked at him as though this were the dumbest question he'd ever been asked. "Well, yeah," he said, and began engulfing the fried garbage with his face-hole (That's a much cooler way of saying 'eating,' no?).

"Oh…Right."

Toad was beginning to wonder why he'd come along. Then he remembered, it was probably more excited than watching Mastermind prattle on about, eh, whatever it was he was usually on about. No one ever paid attention to him anyway. He realized he could do with some food too, but this rubbish was quite _obviously_ not food (You know it's icky when it manages to gross the Toad out). Well, he wasn't about to waste his money on anything on _that_ menu, so he just munched on a napkin instead. To his surprise, it really wasn't all that bad. Then again, anything isn't all that bad when compared to the toxic sludge on Blob's tray.

Blob finished engulfing the food in about 4 minutes. Toad looked out the window and noticed the rain had cleared up. Thank God for Midol.

"So, do ya wanna go somewhere and maybe get some _real_ food?" He enquired.

"Uh, you mean like at a gas station or something?"

Toad resisted the urge to bang his head on the table. "Er…Yeah, mate. A gas station. Let's go."

**Haha. Squee. Love me for the rabid Toad fan that I am.**

**Review, please!**


	4. Just Another Day

**Just Another Day**

**A.K.A.**

**I Couldn't Think of a Better Title**

**Disclaimer: Why the hell do I need one of these? Isn't this entire site devoted to FANfiction?**

Wanda Maximoff was out for a walk. The city was really something this time of the year. Though, no one knew quite what. She took in the strange sites and unpleasant smells. Obese street performers and food carts and an open manhole all seemed to say 'FUCK YOU' to her senses. After she'd had about 5 minutes worth of that, she realized why she didn't go for walks more often. She turned to go back to **The Lair **(When it's in bold, that's the cue for dramatic music to play in your mind), but before she got more than a few steps, an old woman who looked suspiciously like a hobo came up to her. Wanda thought she must be a beggar and was about to tell her to shove off when the lady handed her something small and pink.

"Take this, child. Use it wisely," the woman said. Then she ran away. As far as Wanda could tell, the woman was cackling and screaming something about fresh fruit and pointed sticks (Special prize to anyone who can tell me what that's from. Hint: It's got nothing to do with the old woman, just the pointed sticks and fresh fruit).

Wanda looked at the object in her hand. It was a nail file, in the shape of a pink ribbon. It said 'Breast Cancer Awareness.'

Wanda rolled her eyes, and without thinking, shoved the nail file in her pocket and continued the short walk back to **The Lair**.

By the time she got there, she remembered the thing was in her pocket. As she opened the door, she pulled it out. Pietro was the closest person to her at the time. He was curled in a chair with a fuzzy blanket and a paperback novel that was pretty obviously a gay romance. He seemed startled when Wanda walked in, and before his sister could comment on his peculiar choice of reading material, he jumped up, ran to his room to hide the evidence, and zipped back.

"Hi, Wanda! How's it goin'?" he said, trying his hardest to sound as innocent as possible.

"Here," she said, dropping the nail file into his hand.

"Uh…Thanks."

Pietro wondered why anyone could possibly want to give him something as useless as a nail file. His nails just happened to be perfectly manicured. This cheap little thing probably couldn't file very well anyhow.

He walked into the next room, which just happened to be the kitchen. Toad was there, digging through the trash bin for reasons unapparent to Pietro, although he didn't really care anyway.

"Hey Toad, you want this?"

Toad looked up from his scavenging. "Er…What is it?"

"Nail file."

"…Can I eat it?"

"No, it's a nail file, why would you—"

"Screw you, then!" Toad said before Pietro could finish his sentence. He kicked Pietro in the shin and hopped away.

Pietro gave a girlish squeal as he collapsed to the floor in pain. His leg wasn't broken or even seriously injured. This was probably Toad's attempt at being gentle, or something to that effect. Still, it hurt like hell. He coughed up a tiny bit of blood and passed out.

**Review, please! I'll love you all forever!**


	5. Stuff Happens

**Stuff Happens, Hilarity Ensues, Blah Blah Blah...**

**Hello, my loving and devoted fans. I just downloaded the OpenOffice program for my comp, and to celebrate (and test the merchandise -cough-cough-), here's a new fic.**

**For those of you who don't know what OpenOffice is, it's only the best program in the WORLD. On the homepage, in the upper right hand corner, there's a link you can click where they're offering free downloads of OpenOffice for Mac, PC, and Linux. See, I've been wanted to download this program for some time, but Firefox was being a little glitchy, but that's all fixed now. All I wanted was a program that I could use to write stories and papers, which I already had MS Word and WordPad, etc. for. But WordPad doesn't have spellchecker, and my MS Word has been screwed up for years so it was a major pain in the ass to start up, open, save, and even just type in. OpenOffice was free, so it seemed like a good deal. But it's better than that. For one, OpenOffice for the PC is almost 10 MB less than _just_ MS Word, so it saves quite a bit of space. But you don't just get the writing program. You get sooo much more. There's a database program, spreadsheet program, slideshow program, math program, and a drawing program. I haven't really explored the last two, but I never had any of those before in the Microsoft form (Powerpoint, Excel, etc.), besides the writing program, which wasn't all that impressive. If you don't want the other programs and just want the writing program, or just one of the others, I believe there's a custom install option so you can just install the components you want.**

**I think it's awesome. It's free, so you've got nothing to lose. If you like your Microsoft programs, I don't recommend you delete them all and replace them with OpenOffice, but I DO recommend that you at least download OpenOffice and give it a try.**

**The only downside is, it doesn't save in .doc format. So I'm not sure you'll be able to open OpenOffice files on another comp without the program. But one very cool thing is that it will open all your existing Word documents if you want it to, and you can make it your default program for viewing those kinds of documents. (OpenOffice has a few new nifty little features, but one thing I noticed is it doesn't have is the synonym feature, where you right-click a word and select 'synonym' from the list and it gives you a list of words with the same meaning. I'll miss it, but not enough to re-install MS Word.)**

**If you've got dial-up, it might take you forever to download it, but I'd say it's still worth it. Go ahead, give it a try!**

**Mmmmkay, so, after nearly a full page of ranting about how great OpenOffice is, on with my half-assed fanfic. **

Toad was practicing his sneaky ninja skills one day outside **The Lair**. He clung to the very highest branch in a tall Oak tree. At the base of the tree, reclining against the trunk was Wanda. She was reading a cheesy romance novel and had a pair of headphones on, leading to a portable CD player, which was probably playing something by the Madonna, though the disk itself was cleverly disguised as _Classical Orchestra of the 19th Century_. The only thing Toad really noticed was that he could see down her shirt. And a lovely view it was. He didn't even notice that the branch he clung to was beginning to give way.

_Crack!_

"Oooh...-drooling noise-"

_Snap!_

"Wot the...? Oh bloody...!"

He didn't even have time to scream before he hit the ground with a nice, loud crunch.

Lucky for him, the crunch was made by falling into a large pile of leaves.

"Toad...?" Wanda said, looking up from her book and raising a delicate eyebrow.

"Not to worry, luv! I'm just...fine...I think..."

"Er, right. Whatever. Father's been looking for you."

"Oh...Alright then," Toad said, not bothering to hide his disappointment that Wanda didn't care about him, although he wasn't surprised in the least bit. He moved toward **The Lair** to find Magneto, but before he reached the entrance, Pietro zipped out.

"Dammit, Toad! Do you have ANY IDEA how long it took me to rake those leaves? 3.2 seconds! _THREE POINT TWO SECONDS! _Do you know what I could have used that time for? I could have knitted a sweater, or read a book on astrophysics, or found a cure for cancer! But no! I raked all those leaves! That's 3.2 seconds of my life that I'll never get back! _WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?"_

Toad seriously doubted the latter two things, but even if Pietro could have used his time to do any of that, Toad really could not have cared less.

"Sod off, Pietro," Toad said as he brushed past him.

Upon walking into **The Lair**, he foundMagneto in the kitchen, wearing a purple apron with the words 'Kiss the Evil Supervillain' in red script on the front, with a pair of matching red oven mitts.

"Er...Er...Wanda said...you wanted to see me?"

"Yes, Toad...I do. You see, there comes a time every month or so when I go through a strange phase in which I feel an uncontrollable urge to bake cookies and clean house. That is why I'm wearing this ridiculous outfit. I mean, purple and red...Come on! But anyway, upon entering your room for its annual bleaching, I discovered a rabid chipmunk living in the ceiling. I don't know how it got there, but I think for your safety and the safety of the rest of the team, you should have a rabies shot."

Toad had no idea why Magneto had just explained this to him. He was scared, and rather confused. And Edward was most definitely _not_ rabid, just a little excitable... But all Toad knew at that moment was that a rabies shot did not sound fun. He wasted no time in fleeing from the room screaming like a little girl.

"Yes, he's definitely rabid... I shall have to call the animal shelter to set out the traps again."

**Yeah, I definitely got lazy toward the ending. But review anyway. Because you love me.**

**Reviewww.**

**And maybe I'll post a sequel to this chapter. Just maybe.**


	6. Toad VS the Hulk

**Toad VS. The Hulk**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Hulk, nor do I really care. (No offense, Hulk-Fans.) Marvel claims to own Toad, but that's not what he told me. Cuz He lives in my basement, you know. Even though I don't...Actually...Er, have a basement... -cough-**

**Just so you guys know, I've never been a Hulk fan. I've never disliked the Hulk, I just don't really care for him. But my art teacher does (the first part is based on a true story). So here ya go.**

Danny sat on the uncomfortable plastic stool in his art class, trying desperately hard not to completely screw up the little clay pot he was molding. As he worked, he talked to his X-Men-Retarded friend Sarah.

"Toad effing rules, dude."

"Um...Yeah, ok," was Sarah's reply.

Mr. Camacho, who was making sure nothing exploded in the kiln, just happened to overhear.

"The Hulk's better."

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yeah he is."

"He is not! Toad could kick the Hulk's ass!"

"I doubt it."

"Whatever, Mr. Camacho. Whatever."

**Meanwhile, in Marvel Land...**

"RAWRZ I R TEH HULK! PH33R MEEEE!!!" Said the Hulk as he rampaged along as he often did.

"OI! Would you mind keeping it down a bit? Some of us are trying to organize our sock drawers in peace!" A small greenish man hopped, yes, actually hopped, out of a giant mushroom that apparently doubled as a house. Go Figure.

"NO I R TEH HULK I SMASHETH YOU!!!!"

"Bring it, whore!"

"RAWRRRRR!" the Hulk roared as he attempted to, as Toad said, bring it.

"Cripes!" Toad exclaimed, and he immediately jumped to the highest tree branch he could find.

"I R TEH SMASH YOU BIOTCH!"

Toad then began to spit, not really AT the Hulk, but in his general direction.

This went on for hours, until the Hulk got bored and left. Thus, Toad won by default.

**The End...I guess.**

**I don't really know much about the Hulk, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't speak completely in obnoxious chat-speak. So don't bother to point that out if you just so happen to REVIEW.**

**Like I said, I don't mean to offend any Hulk fans. It's all in good fun, you know. And I know that sucked, but I'm out of practice and I had some hella bad writer's block.**

**Review anyway, cuz ya love me. **

**You know you do.**


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